Choosing love can sometimes feel just short of impossible. There are those moments when we really want to show genuine love but find it just plain hard to do. Then, if we're being honest, there are other times we just don't feel like choosing love, maybe we believe it undeserved, inconvenient, or impractical. In the day-to-day of life, it’s all too easy to let unhelpful thoughts and destructive emotions take the lead and steer us away from choosing love. But here’s the Truth: to love is a decision that, if we want it, we must choose intentionally.
In this blog, let's take a deep dive into this topic drawing on both scientific and biblical wisdom.
The Truth of Love
When we speak of "love" and of "choosing love", what exactly are we talking about? In 1 Corinthians 13, love is defined not as merely a feeling, but as both intentional actions and characteristics of the heart.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails...(1 Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV)
This scripture reveals that real love is anchored in selflessness and unwavering commitment and that the elements of love are all things that can be chosen, grown, and developed.
Sometimes, choosing love can feel risky, there is no promise a favorable response from others. Sometimes, choosing love calls us to do hard things, while surrendering (or being unattached) to the outcome. Take, for instance, a friendship where criticism is a constant presence. Genuinely loving that friend might mean having the courage to confront her about the hurtful behavior rather than passively enduring it. Love, in its purest form, often requires us to speak truthfully, even when it’s hard and we'd rather not.
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. (Ephesians 4:15, NIV)
Choosing Love While Upholding Your Worth
Choosing love will never demand the sacrifice of our highest dignity or our greater well-being. Genuine love cannot tolerate abuse; such actions dishonor God and man and diminish the dignity and worth of all people. When we experience emotional, physical, or spiritual abuse, love requires us to create healthy boundaries. While this choice is primarily about safeguarding ourselves; it’s also about loving others and cherishing the sacred love of God. Ironically, it is also loving toward the one(s) who have hurt us. How can that be? When we allow abuse to go unaccounted for, we allow an abuser to continue to make wrong choices which harm themselves and others, including other potential victims. Allowing abuse to continue is loving too absolutely no one. Love desires true healing for every soul entangled in the hurt, but it also demands accountability, and it does not always mean restoration of the relationship.
The Heart's Battle to Choose Love
Striving to choose love creates a tug-of-war within our hearts; in 1 John 2:16, the apostle John names three culprits waring against us in the battle to choose love.
For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. (1 John 2:16, NIV)
Lust Of The Flesh (LOTF): How often do we find ourselves wrestling with the allure of immediate gratification in things that please our flesh but are forbidden by God? "Lust Of The Flesh" refers to the often seemingly irresistible desire for physical pleasures that, in Truth, are not good for us. LOTFs may be forbidden sex, viewing pornography, a habit of overindulgence in food and/or drink and other physical excesses that Truth says are not good for us.
Lust Of The Flesh's whisper is enticing, and it can lead us to seek out pleasures that feel good in the moment but ultimately empty us of the very satisfaction we thought they would bring. LOTF is often empowered by our believing the lie that something else is harmless or "better than", at least for a moment. Lust Of The Flesh is not just a fleeting temptation but a profound conflict that can derail our spiritual growth and thwart our ability to prevailingly choose love.
Lust Of The Eyes (LOTE): When we allow our hearts to covet what others have, we open the door to thoughts that are jealous, bitter, self-diminishing, and other-hating. This can very quickly poison our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and relationships. When we put Lust Of The Eyes in the driver's seat, we are shaping our thoughts into becoming fixated on what we lack instead of celebrating our blessings and those of others. Encouraging this mindset within us not only negatively distorts our view of ourselves but also clouds our perspective towards others and can make it harder to choose love toward them.
When we kick LOTE to the curb, we shift our focus away from envy to gratitude and we are then better able to see the beauty around us. Intentionally and consistently choosing to do so transforms our minds and hearts and fosters a spirit of kindness and encouragement within us and around us. We are not only freeing ourselves from the chains of Lust Of The Eyes but also strengthening within ourselves (and potentially within others) the ability to prevailingly choose love.
Pride Of Life (POL): Pride Of Life is an insidious offender that often weaves its way into the very fabric of our hearts, urging us to seek recognition and believe in our own superiority. When our focus is elevating ourselves, we unintentionally place a barrier within our hearts inhibiting the love that is meant to flow freely from it to others.
POL, with its glossy and self-reflective exterior, can dull our vision and diminish our ability to genuinely care for those around us. We may find ourselves caught in a cycle of self-interest, where the needs and feelings of others become as shadows in the backdrop of our own desires. When we intentionally decide to reject Pride Of Life, we unentangle our hearts, leaving them open to a deeper, more authentic connection with others. Love flourishes in the soil of humility, where we recognize that our worth is not tied to accolades or comparisons. Instead, love blossoms when we embrace the Truth that every person we meet carries a divinely-conferred immeasurable worth.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. (Philippians 2:3-4, NIV)
The Transformative Power of Choosing Love
Even when we don’t feel love, we can still choose to act in loving ways. Love is about actions, not just feelings. Every loving choice we make plants seeds in our hearts and minds that grow to produce much good fruit. Colossians 3:14 supports this:
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Colossians 3:14, NIV)
Intentionally choosing actions like kindness, forgiveness, and patience shapes not only our own hearts and minds, but also those of the people around us. Scientific research supports this idea. For example, data from the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley reveals that engaging in acts of kindness can significantly elevate happiness levels and strengthen community bonds. In one study, participants who performed small acts of kindness reported a 35% increase in happiness levels (Otake et al., 2006). A simple act of kindness—like sharing a smile with someone— can create a positive ripple effect, encouraging a culture of love and mutual respect.
Embracing God's Heart of Love
Choosing love is an effort we undertake with much divine support. God wants us to grow into vessels of His love, as expressed in Philippians 1:6:
Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6, NIV)
This verse reassures us that growing and maturing our ability to be loving is a part of God’s plan. When we choose to love despite the opposition within us, we take a step closer to the Heart of God and grow in His likeness. Prayer, meditation on Scripture, and the support of fellow believers helps us to deepen our understanding of and experience of God's love, enabling us to extend that love to others with greater consistency.
Forgive Yourself: You're Going to Mess Up
It’s important to remember that none of us will ever be perfect when it comes to loving others. Choosing love is a continual striving, not a one-time accomplishment, and it takes deliberate and intentional effort. Every time we choose to love—no matter how imperfectly—we become a little stronger. Over time, the act of choosing love become less of a strenuous effort and more of a natural response that flows from our hearts. The goal is to prevailingly choose love, not to do it perfectly.
Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:4, NIV)
As we practice choosing love, our spiritual growth accelerates, transforming our hearts and minds over time. Research from Emory University validates the idea that our ability to love grows as we put it into practice, showing that those who engage regularly in pro-social behaviors, such as helping others, often report heightened happiness and life satisfaction (Mayer et al., 2007).
Reflections on Choosing Love
Love is an intentional act that we choose either with the help of or in opposition to fleeting thoughts and emotions. We find strength to choose love by rooting and grounding ourselves in biblical principles and real-life practices. Although we will meet with both internal and external conflicts, we can acquire and grow the habit of prevailingly choosing love.
Choosing love does not mean tolerating mistreatment. Instead, it requires us to set healthy boundaries while respecting ourselves and others. While genuine love wants the best for everyone, it also shows us that the best for those who mistreat us is accountability.
As we strive to become better at choosing love, we grow in wisdom and stature, we positively affect ourselves and others, and we fulfill our divine purpose. All things are possible when we develop a habit of tapping into the all-powerful love that God alone can offer us.
The Lagniappe
Treat yourself to "Love God, Love People" by Danny Gokey
References
Approximately 40 writers, 1 author (1,200B.C. to 95A.D.). The Holy Bible. Various Translations and Publishers.
Mayer, J. D., Salovey, P., & Caruso, D. R. (2007). Emotional intelligence: Theory, findings, and implications. Psychological Inquiry, 12(1), 16-20.
Meyer, J. (2009). Love revolution. Faith Words.
Otake, K., Shimai, S., Tanaka, M., & Otsui, K. (2006). Happy people help others: The impact of self-happiness on helping behavior. Happiness Studies, 9(1), 86-97.
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